the one where i simply write

Sunday, February 9, 2014

here i type. for emphasis and to adequately note the fact that i'm feeling particularly lazy tonight, i'm not capitalizing. {but it's killin' realz yo. although maybe it shouldn't since i don't seem to have a problem saying "fo realz yo" --> rolls eyes}

this blogging, writing, creative, human trafficking, always thinking sort of brain is driving me to the brink of bonkers town. i can't seem to let go of anything that my heart pushes me toward, but i'm a realist and the fact remains that there is nowhere near enough of myself to do everything and do it well. not withstanding the fact that i'm usually "stick-a-fork-in-me" done by 9pm every night, i just don't know how to do it all. in fact, i'm afraid of deciding exactly what i want to do and running after it, for fear that i'll change my mind. 

once upon a time i was told to ask myself the question, "what's the one thing that you HAVE to do before you die?" ehh...i don't know. only i do know. but it's all just too much and it's not a one-girl type of dream. 

i do know that i have to love people. i have to take time for coffee and lunch and listening and caring. i know that i need to sit down with a stack of adorable fabric {or fonts or color or style} every now and then and just let my mind wander-- but i hate being a slave to the entirety of the creative process. i can't stop throwing my thoughts around or drudging up a million different articles that strike a nerve and make me hungry for more information. i have to listen and learn and grow and think. the only thing that i never mind being enslaved to {all family, faith and friends aside} is my computer, despite the truth that i don't miss it for a moment when i'm away from it. it's an oddly respectful camaraderie.

what am i afraid of? i can rattle it off without hesitation: exhaustion. 

plain and simple. i'm afraid to commit myself to any one endeavor that leaves me feeling empty rather than full. i lie awake at night worrying that if i make the wrong choice that i will burn out and that it will affect my family that i've sacrificed so much to invest myself into. yet, i know that there is more waiting for me. it's just beyond the horizon. i touch it and dance with it without ever exactly making a date. it frees me, only i find myself wanting more of what it has to offer. more rendezvous with purpose. less busy. more full. 

i hoped that typing it out might help. but i think that it really leaves me sitting here with a concrete feeling that i know what i know; i feel what i feel; and i fear what i fear-- albeit not irrationally. 

can someone just point me on my course and bid me adieu? sigh. 

here's to a new week. i feel like a great explorer off on a grand adventure. here's to the journey. maybe this will be the one. 

1 comment:

  1. my previous comment didn't make it :( mostly? take one day at a time. dream big. be in the season you're in and don't be afraid to "fail." failing simply means you had an opportunity to learn and change. praying His peace over you today, that your anxious thoughts would turn to worship. you are able because of the one who made you. <3


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